Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I'm More Fun Than Disneyland!

I've been a little whacked out lately. I take Zoloft for depression. (Or, more accurately, sertralina, which is the same stuff, except in Mexico I get it over the counter at a fraction of the cost.) I went off it for a couple months when I first got sober this year, at my shrink's suggestion, and was a complete wreck. So I went back on it, with breathtaking results.

So anyway. The last few weeks I was starting to run out of the pills, didn't feel like making a run across the border, so I started skipping days here and there, to stretch out the supply. Then last week, I suddenly asked myself why I've been feeling so lousy lately. Well, duh. I went and got my supply, got back on my daily dosage, and I'm already feeling better. I know it was a problem because I get some funky side effects as the seratonin level builds back up in my brain.


My poor son got some brunt of both the depression/anxiety hanging on and the side effects of insomnia and its consequent irritability. So I was a little impatient with him this weekend, and not energetic enough to keep him from being bored. To be fair to myself, I have to admit he brought his own behavioral characteristics into the picture. Such as, getting into everything he can reach and attempting to get into everything he can't reach. Then, when I tell him not to, he grins at me and continues doing it. Repeatedly. Or, saying, "want cookie!!" continuously for 20 minutes. I lost my temper with him a few times.

We had fun, anyway. One of the things he likes best now is this little trick: I lay on my back with my knees up. He leans against my knees and grabs my hands. The I lift him up with my legs, so he's straight upside-down above me, then I grab him under the arms and flip him down to the floor on his back over my head. He loves it! I'm more fun than Disneyland!


I'm worried about my sponsor. He's a terrific guy, one of the best friends I've ever had, and he's been a great sponsor, helping me through some pretty rough spots. He's been particularly beneficial helping me explore my spirituality.

This is his situation: he had eight years of sobriety, after getting clean and sober in prison. Then he relapsed for 18 months before coming back in. He has been very serious and focused in his sobriety, and has 30 months this time around. He did rehab, then a group recovery home, and now is in sober living apartments. His deadline to move out is coming up in the next couple months. He had lost his license, he's gone through all the hoops to get it back, and now is just waiting for the state to process paperwork. So, things are coming together for him: ready to move out, and live and drive among the Earth People. It's a tremendous accomplishment for him, and I respect him a lot. On paper, this guy is a lost soul; in life, he's an inspiration, and a nice guy with a great sense of humor, besides.

He started playing around with online matchmaking sites. That's cool, he's avoided dating until he felt ready, and now he's ready to move, ready to drive, so why not ready to date? And I met my wife via AOL, so I have nothing against meeting people online.

Here's why I'm worried: he's smitten with a girl in Russia. I should say, alleged girl. He's been corresponding with her for maybe two months, and she says she coming to visit him, at her own expense, in two weeks, and staying for a month. She says she's a gynecologist in a town outside Moscow. She sends a lot of pictures, and she is absolutely gorgeous. A lot of the pictures are clearly professional.

Let's assume, for the moment, that this is completely on the level, and she somehow navigates the thicket of DHS and State to get a tourist visa in time to turn up here in two weeks. My sponsor's plan is, at that point, to explain to her he's a recovering alcoholic, can't drive, and she can't stay with him at the sober living apartment he lives in. I made a comment to him about keeping a lot of secrets from her, but he responded that this plan would work fine. It bothers me a lot that he's ready to dive into this relationship, but is unwilling to practice "rigorous honesty" at the outset.

On the other hand, let's assume the obvious: this thing is a scam. He's convinced himself it isn't. He believes it's legit because she says she's ready to pay her own way, and she reports all these things she's doing to get her visa. So, in the next few days, when she reports, say, an obstacle that requires him to wire her $1000, he's going to do it. Even though I, and everyone else he's told about it, has told him, don't send her any money -- if you want to help her pay for her ticket, give it to her when she's here. Maybe I'm just too cynical, but I think he's going to end up taken for money he can ill afford to throw away; and, even worse, he's going to have his heart broken.

And all of this makes it hard to focus on my steps with him...


I've been goofing around with my template. I haven't gotten into web site stuff this much since I did a site for a Playboy cover model. (It seemed like a perfectly normal thing to do when I was drinking... Sweet girl. But she kept gaining weight and using worse and worse photographers...) Is anyone having funky stuff happen with the reader survey? How about links to other blogs? I tested it all with IE6, Netscape7.2 and Firefox1.06 and it seemed to work okay. The only problem I found was that IE blows out sometimes if I do a mouseover before all the jpg's load -- I'm trying to find a solution for that. If you had problems, other than that, more than two days ago or so, it's probably fixed -- I had to do several quick template republications when bugs cropped up, and I apologize if one of the bugs caught you, or if I blew you out with a republish.

So, please let me know if my "improvements" are still causing problems for you. :)


At 8/30/2005 05:54:00 PM, Blogger dAAve said...

Damn Phil. Break these things down into different posts, like guacamole here and green salad there.

1) I hope your son is not more than 13 years old. LOL
2) Your sponsor sounds like a great guy. But I totally agree with you on this situation. What does his sponsor tell him? He needs to listen to someone who he really respects their opinion.

At 8/30/2005 07:19:00 PM, Blogger Phil said...

Dave: It's MY blog, and I'll post how I want to, it's all about MEMEMEMEME!!! Try reading just a paragraph a day. If you were someone else, I'd figure you just wanted more details about that Playboy model! lol

Gee, Dave, you're like my son: if the guacamole touches the green salad on his plate, he won't eat either one. He also gets cranky when he's overstimulated. :)

Oh, Lordy, I don't want to THINK about when he's 13! With a 3-year-old, not out of the Terrible Twos yet, it's ODaaT. When he's 13, unless he's gay, my son will be incessantly wanting something that rhymes with "cookie."

At 8/30/2005 07:30:00 PM, Blogger doughgirl said...

OK the comments section here is so much more funny than the whole post itself...not to say I didnt learn a ton from the post and Phil I can totally identify with the son thing :)

At 8/31/2005 04:59:00 AM, Blogger Andy said...

Higher Powered said it... is your sponsor talking and listening to his sponsor? See, I was all in favor of getting a Russian girlfriend too when I first got sober. Then I talked to my sponsor. Apparently you're not supposed to be looking for a new girlfriend if you are married, and even if you do it is considered bad taste to pay for her airline ticket with your wife's money.

So, you can see my sponsor saved me a lot of bother and stress by talking me out of that idea.

Blog seems fine to me!

At 8/31/2005 05:40:00 AM, Blogger NMAMFQLMSH said...

I haven't had enough coffee yet to process all this information. Earth people do suck.

At 8/31/2005 09:50:00 AM, Blogger NMAMFQLMSH said...

O.K. I've had enough coffee now. I'm glad you are back - I've missed you and I use to do that knee thingy with my girls when they were little. They loved it.

At 8/31/2005 03:43:00 PM, Blogger Phil said...

Doughgirl: Of course the comment section is better than the posts! I write the posts!

Andy: The program is simple, but not easy.

JJ: Now all I can think about is Angelina Jolie.

At 8/31/2005 04:37:00 PM, Blogger Jane said...

silly people - oh, the thinks you can think!

phil, i think the best approach with your sponsor is just to be honest with him about how you see the situation and pray for the best.

take care, jane

At 10/04/2005 03:35:00 AM, Blogger Trudging said...

Phil we miss you!


Post a Comment

<< Home