Comment From Anonymous

This was posted today as an anonymous comment to an old post on this blog. I want to highlight it here, hoping the poster will read this and benefit from any advice other readers may have.

Here's what our friend wrote:

This is my 36th day of being sober. Well, it depends on who you talk to; maybe I’m just a dry drunk.

I went into detox, obtained a sponsor, and completed steps 1, 2 and 3.

Since my release I have been attending 2 to 3 AA meetings a week, attending an aftercare program and have stayed sober. Still, I am harassed by my sponsor that I am not attending enough meetings and just making excuses. He said that AA comes before EVERYTHING! Is that really the case? He said that there has to be a substitute for alcohol, whether it is coffee, cigarettes or AA. If I AM making excuses and need a substitute for alcohol, does my daughter not count? Before I even started this program, I had commitments with my daughter.

I’m supposed to be married in November, should I just scrap the whole thing and start going to AA 7 nights a week. I really don’t think that is practical is it? Maybe to some that is there only option.

My life has never been out of control. There has been some bumpy times, but certainly not unmanageable by any means. I went into this program on my own, no trouble with the law or anything. I paid for it on my own, insurance wouldn’t cover it. I just felt that it would be a good thing for me to do, for my health, and my family.

Now I’m feeling very good about myself. My problem is with the way I have been treated by my sponsor. Nothing like “good job for staying sober for 30 days”. Nothing but belittling me. That doesn’t feel very good or rewarding.

I let my sponsor go last night and will be looking for a new one. I’m not counting out AA at this point; I want to give it another chance. Just not sure what is expected of me.

For the record; the ONLY time I really wanted a drink during the past 36 days was when I felt pressure from that sponsor. That’s pretty sad when you think about it.

First, I'll say: Congratulations on 36 days! It IS something to celebrate! Congratulations on going to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the steps. These are all GREAT things to be doing.

It's not uncommon to change sponsors early in recovery. You need a sponsor you can work with effectively. It's also common (universal, maybe!) to resent and be pissed off at your sponsor sometimes. You're the only one who can determine if you have the right sponsor. Based solely on what you've said, my gut says stick with him for now. He's doing the steps with you, he's got you going to meetings and encouraging you to be involved in the Fellowship -- this is all "by the book," classic sponsor behavior, and it's gotten a lot of sponsees not just sober, but happy, joyous and free.

If your decision to dump your sponsor is final, get a new sponsor RIGHT AWAY. Make sure your new sponsor is committed to continue working the steps with you.

I don't know what your relationship is with your fiancee. November is a long way away. Make no mistake -- you are not just a dry drunk, you ARE in recovery. If you continue working your program with the commitment you have so far, you will see a very different man in the mirror in November than you do today. By November you may feel closer and more in love with your fiancee than you can imagine right now. On the other hand, you may feel that marrying her may not be the right thing to do at that point.

The way I look at "AA comes first:" if I decide to have a drink, I will get drunk, and I will continue to get drunk, and I will lose everything. When I was 36 days into sobriety, I didn't really see clearly how much I had already lost and/or thrown away by drinking, or what thin ice I was skating on. Just six months into sobriety, I have already seen some things restored to me, and I have more hope and optimism than I've had in decades. AA gives me tools I need to stay sober; I have to stay sober to keep from sinking into, at best, suicidal misery, and losing everyone I love and everything I care about; I WANT to stay sober because of the blessings and happiness I've received already and the promise of more to come. Put it all together, and AA is the lynchpin, or keystone, I absolutely have to have. It HAS to be my priority.

You wonder if your daughter counts as a substitute for alcohol. I've gone through a similar thought process with my son. I had a period of focusing on my son as motivation for sobriety, a substitute for alcohol. Essentially, my son was my Higher Power. I had it backwards: he's a tiny boy, and I have a responsibility to be, in very tangible and concrete ways, his "higher power." My Higher Power has to be God. It's my responsibility (and, I've discovered, a marvelous gift from God) to do my best to be a conduit of God's purpose, God's love, God's nurturing for my son.

For me, the God of my understanding, my higher power, is the substitute for alcohol. God works with me, teaches me, and shows me my purpose, through my sponsor, through AA meetings, through working my steps, through my son, through myriad ways each day -- to the extent that I am diligent in maintaining my spiritual fitness, and have adequate humility to receive the message and not short-circuit or overwhelm the message with my own agenda.

What's expected of you in AA? "The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking." Anything else anyone says (including this post you are reading now) can be taken as a suggestion or an opinion. Your standing as a member of the Fellowship is exactly the same as anyone else. You are not required to go to meetings, do the steps, believe in God, have a sponsor, have AA commitments, or anything else -- they merely represent the successful experience others have had staying sober. Each of us is free to make AA what we need it to be for us to stay sober.

God bless you, and may He grant you many more days of sobriety!

I welcome and look forward to reading what others have to say.