Malady of the Spirit
The past ten days or two weeks have been hard. My brain has been very busy. I haven't been sleeping well, and I've been waking up early. A lot of confusion, wanting to "make deals" with my recovery. A hard time staying away from "just one" binge, "just one" good drunk to take the pain away for "just one" day, my brain trying to convince me that "just one" won't hurt, in fact it will help, I'll get that magical insight and solution to all my problems, and after "just one" good solid spree the urge to drink will evaporate forever and life will be great.
My brain actually believes this shit.
Fortunately HP has been able to keep my brain from taking charge. Sometimes it feels like the tool HP has placed in my hands is good old-fashioned white-knuckle will power, and if that's what I got, that's what I'll use. "Any length..." Since my heart and soul are still largely made of stone, and my brain is off on its own agenda, HP seems to be leading me by the butt lately. AA meetings, step workshop, church, church group meetings, hanging with my sponsor, prayer, BB and 12X12 reading, Bible reading. I've found myself leading a few meetings, and I've taken a coffee commitment. I've added a Sunday morning Bible study at church, a couple one-time service commitments with my church group, and the divorce class I originally intended to join starts in a couple weeks. My butt is dragging me to do the things people tell me I need to do to make this work.
And through it all, not only does my brain seem impervious to what's going on, it keeps saying, "Have a drink. C'mon. Let's get drunk. You've been sober for 197 of the past 235 days. You deserve a vacation."
Strangely, I seem to be the only one overly concerned about this. As long as I don't drink, and I show up at the times and places I'm expected and/or committed to, and have done the things I'm supposed to have done, people seem to think there's nothing to worry about. I'm the only one who seems terrified of the whole situation. Even my cats have been especially serene and affectionate lately.
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I suppose I should try to be more sympathetic and patient with my brain, because steps four and five have given it a lot to handle. It's clear I've only made a start on steps four and five. I've opened Pandora's box, and a lot of stuff has been coming out since last week.
It's dawning on me how many other things besides alcohol I use, and do, addictively and compulsively. Cigarettes, coffee, and marriage, for example (there's other things, too, and unless you're my sponsor you're unlikely to hear them all!). I can recognize addictive patterns and behavior I had when I was ten years old, long before substances entered the picture. All of it, not just alcohol, has been chronic and progressive. Maybe some of it isn't quite as egregious without alcohol greasing the skids, but it isn't going away on its own.
I'm starting to see the addictive nature of my relationships. Probably anyone who has had the patience to glance at my travails with my wife and son, documented in this blog, recognized it long before I did.
It's painful to acknowledge the burden I've been trying to put on my little son's tiny shoulders, what this nasty little dance my wife and I have been indulging ourselves in could cost this innocent child. My wife didn't "save" me, she couldn't magically transform me into the man I want to be, any more than a 12-pack could. Any more than I could transform her. So our answer, unconsciously, since we had "failed" each other, was to have a child, who would magically make us into the parents we always wanted for ourselves.
How long before I start resenting, being angry with, and pulling away from my son because he hasn't transformed me into a happy, strong, attentive, committed and loving father, into the man I want to be???
I'm asking the wrong Son to redeem me, I think...
I'm looking to my own tiny son to give me the redemption that can only come from God. I'm using my son the same way I use alcohol. The same way I use my wife. And the wife before her. And the wife before her. And jobs. And diplomas. And on and on.
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God, please remove this obsession with alcohol from me, and my addictive and obsessive behavior along with it. If not for my benefit, then for my innocent son's.
posted by Phil @ 3/22/2005 10:21:00 PM
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Seems like you have a lot on your plate these days eh? If its working for you, keep it up - It sounds like it may be overwhelming you though. I know I hit a point where we had so many different bible studies and church functions going on I was beginning to hate it, I got to a point where I didn't want to do anything. It's important for me to keep that passion so I decided to do the couple of the events that really excited me and then blow off the rest. I had a lot of people thinking I was backing off and starting to filter church out altogether which was absolutely not it. Some people thought I was being rude by not attending certain affairs but I refused to let anyone make me feel guilty about it and I am going strong in my faith once again - and that's what really matters most. I do church and two bible studies on Sunday and one on Wednesday night now. I sure don't want to encourage you to stop one or the other but maybe you need to do some down-sizing of your schedule too. Really, only you know.
As far as you wanting another drink, I can only relate with quitting both pot and cigarettes. I really feel for you. Each time I quit I went through that - what got me through it successfully was removing myself from the things that got my head going in that direction. Most of those things I couldn't remove from my life, but I could take them out for a few weeks or so. And although the people you see everyday may not seem to worried about your addiction rearing its ugly head, I know I am and I bet some of the other faithful readers of your blog are too. Maybe the people you see everyday just have more faith in you than you have in yourself for the moment.
Its great to push yourself but don't let that Pandora's box push you right off a cliff. Just take on a few things at a time. Thinking of how far you've come makes me proud, so when your drowning in the thoughts of all those things you still have to fix - think back to the beginning and give yourself some well deserved credit. Also remember your son is only 2 1/2, he has a great dad who loves him and is working so hard on changing his bad habits. I think not only will your son be ok but I think he'll turn out to be a great person. Be glad you've recognized your problems now and not when he's older.
Stay strong brother, my prayers are always with you.
Phil, Phil, Phil
I feel for you.
That was wonderfully written. I hope that you have been able to say precisely the same things in a meeting, at the group level. By now, you surely are aware that by sharing these feelings actually takes much of their power away. DO NOT keep it inside you -- LET IT OUT!!
You will get that moment, that awakening when your HP takes away the obsession and craving forever. He and only He will define that moment. The important thing is to not give up - Before the miracle.
Thank you for your honesty.
Add my "amen" to the posts above. And, I recognize in you someone striving to live an examined life, and to honestly seek out God's will. To me, with those two things in place: You can't go wrong. But it's hard not to get discouraged, I know. Just do the next right thing. That little thought, that some guy said to me in my second or third meeting, has stuck with me. It seems so insignificant, so cliche, so vague, but it's been the key for me: The next right thing. Only you and God can answer for you what that is. Meanwhile, you have my prayers for your struggle.
My path has been different. But I can well imagine the full horror of how I might feel the morning after the night before of a binge.
Do you have a full-on sponsor..?
I was impressed with your thoughts. thanks for sharing. I am new to blogland. check me out at: http://bobwired.blogs.com
peace, bob
Years ago someone asked me what the perfume I was wearing was called. "Obsession" I said and they roared with laughter and said "How fitting". I didnt see the joke myself and they obviously saw that same trait in me. Its a good thing to recognise it, but like you it spans much of my behaviour.
One of the hardest things for me in recovery is the One Day At A Time thing. I like to let myself get overwhelmed and try to fix everything at once...after all, that's how I always lived.
One thing at a time. Slowly I am learning the wisdom of that. You've got so much going on, but the good news is that right now you are only responsible for what is right in front of you. No more.
After all, it's not like you have to stay sober forever. All you have to do is stay sober today. Anyone can stay sober for one day. So, don't worry about tomorrow, just take it one day at a time.
If your HP is like mine, you will get messages and guidance from all sorts of sources. It sounds like you are listening. You are on the path, even if you can't see that at the moment.
Thank you for this post, I very much appreciate it and can identify with it.
Blessings to you.
I hope you're OK Phil. We havent' seen you here for about 10 days now. Please keep intouch.
We love you and look forward to your next post.
Phil
you've gone a wee bit quiet. Thinking of you. Hope all is well.
Also am thinking of you; stay strong, you're in my prayers.
In early sobriety I read a book on the nature of consciousness calles "The User Illusion" or something, point being that in it they talked about the nauture of concentration and that you brain is really very poor at concentrating on more than one thing at a time. I believe they actually came up with a throughput of 10kbps! ANy way, a quick way to check this out is to tell me how your pinkie toe feel this very instant! Now the moment you shift your attention tell me how your earlobe feels. Very quickly you'll get the jist of how poorly we multitask.
So what I did when I wanted to drink was, armed with this knowledge, prayed! The Serenetity Prayer over and over and over. IT did not matter if the words meant anything or not. I knew that if I was concentrating on saying the words I could NOT be thinking of drinking.
"Whatever lengths to get it" I signed up for that in spades. Anything to stop the desire.
Cunning, baffling, powerful, it is!
I pray for you my friend.
God Bless.
I sent you an email Phil. Just wanted to say I'm still thinking of you :-)
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