Wednesday, March 02, 2005


We accepted an offer for the house. So I'll be moving to LA in the next few weeks. I'm going, probably tomorrow, to find an apartment near my son's day care. (Also near where my wife tells me she's planning to move, again -- this would be her 8th residence in 7 months.)

I'm sure this is the right thing to do: simplify my life, be near my son, and let go of the broken dreams and painful memories (not to mention financial burden) of this house. It breaks my heart, though, and it gives me a feeling of failure.

It scares me, too. This feels like a "reverse geographic." All my resources for sobriety are here. I've just started going to a church where I feel a strong sense of belonging. Now I'm pulling everything up, and going to a new, unfamiliar town where I don't know anyone. I'm afraid it will be too much for me, and I won't stay sober.

Which is, of course, pretty silly: "Without help it is too much for us." My life is ALREADY more than I can handle, and has been for a very long time. Changing my location and my circumstances won't change that a bit.

My deeper fear, really, is that I will fail at what is motivating me to make this big move and big change: to be the best father I can be to my son. I'm moving so I can be with him and part of his day-to-day life. But I question my ability and willingness to do that, and to be a positive influence on him. My entire life is marked by isolation, irresponsibility, selfishness, laziness and giving up. These are not exactly the tools Ward Cleaver used as a father...

Even as I write these words and express these fears, I recognize that the answers are not hard to see. First, I need to stay sober today. (And tomorrow and the next day, but those are worries for tomorrow and the next day.) I need to find and attend meetings, lots of them, take commitments at them, and embed myself in the life of the fellowship in my new community. I need to find a church home, in the same way. I need to find a job.

Above all, I have to work the steps and apply them in all my affairs. I'm working my fourth step right now -- which is, of course, a real monster. My third step is hardly secure -- if it were, I would not be fearful of the changes I'm making in my life, or of my responsibilities to my son. I would, instead, embrace them with optimism and joy.

It's all a bit overwhelming. Especially since I feel insecure in my sobriety, impatient to "finish" my recovery, and I continue to fall into the insane idea that I have to handle and solve everything on my own with only my own resources. Sheesh... sometimes I feel like I've made no progress at all.
"Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines... We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."

Willing to grow. Progress. Do not be discouraged.

I think maybe I'll go spend a few minutes reading, meditating and praying... :)


At 3/02/2005 11:28:00 AM, Blogger Phil said...

An addendum:

Grace posted this link on her blog. It really hit home with me, right where I am today!

At 3/02/2005 12:14:00 PM, Blogger doughgirl said...


I think that FEAR has you right where you need to be right now. Fear of going back out is always good, it means you are remembering what your life was like and that you dont want to go back to it.
Having just completed my 4th step and step 5 in progress I have to tell you that a lot of your healing will begin with this particular step. At least that was my experience.
Somehow putting it all down on paper, everthing I had every done, felt thought showed me that soon there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. I was no longer hiding these things from my self and therefore accepting what I had done. It was the begininng of being able to forgive ME!
I am hopeful that once I get it all out (share it with another) that the process of emotional recovery will be in its finest stages and I will have a freedom from all I have done. No more hiding, no more shame, just acceptance.
We know from experience that once we are able to accept things, we can then move forward.
Keep your chin up my friend, God is with you and you are right where you need to be :)

At 3/02/2005 04:08:00 PM, Blogger recoveryroad said...

"Even as I write these words and express these fears, I recognize that the answers are not hard to see. First, I need to stay sober today."

Yup. You answered all your questions by yourself. But only can make the call to a new group, or take a deep breath and walk in to a new meeting. We're alcoholics; so sure we're lazy/indecisive/procrastinators..we'd rather lounge about and live in our heads (or is that just me?! ha, ha).

You know yourself if this move is a good idea, and if it is only you know whether or not you'll do what is necessary...

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our...etc, etc"

Thinking of you mate.



At 3/03/2005 12:15:00 AM, Blogger Grace said...

No Kenny, I'm a lazy, indecisive procrastinator too. And, Phil being one, I find that the fear is much worse than the doing. I can put all sorts of obsticles in my way to prevent change. You will find a new group and wherever you are, we'll still be here! I hope the boys story didnt upset you, it just really hit me too. It made me realize how selfish I can be and how our families gain so much from us doing this. Your move will make it much easier to keep contact with your son.

At 3/04/2005 01:40:00 PM, Blogger Faith said...

Simply *wanting* to be a good father to your son insures that you will be. Children recognize and cherish a parent who wants to be with them. Making a difficult journey, whether an emotional one or a physical one, means that you are willing. Your son will see that.



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