CIHPARGOEG

We accepted an offer for the house. So I'll be moving to LA in the next few weeks. I'm going, probably tomorrow, to find an apartment near my son's day care. (Also near where my wife tells me she's planning to move, again -- this would be her 8th residence in 7 months.)

I'm sure this is the right thing to do: simplify my life, be near my son, and let go of the broken dreams and painful memories (not to mention financial burden) of this house. It breaks my heart, though, and it gives me a feeling of failure.

It scares me, too. This feels like a "reverse geographic." All my resources for sobriety are here. I've just started going to a church where I feel a strong sense of belonging. Now I'm pulling everything up, and going to a new, unfamiliar town where I don't know anyone. I'm afraid it will be too much for me, and I won't stay sober.

Which is, of course, pretty silly: "Without help it is too much for us." My life is ALREADY more than I can handle, and has been for a very long time. Changing my location and my circumstances won't change that a bit.

My deeper fear, really, is that I will fail at what is motivating me to make this big move and big change: to be the best father I can be to my son. I'm moving so I can be with him and part of his day-to-day life. But I question my ability and willingness to do that, and to be a positive influence on him. My entire life is marked by isolation, irresponsibility, selfishness, laziness and giving up. These are not exactly the tools Ward Cleaver used as a father...

Even as I write these words and express these fears, I recognize that the answers are not hard to see. First, I need to stay sober today. (And tomorrow and the next day, but those are worries for tomorrow and the next day.) I need to find and attend meetings, lots of them, take commitments at them, and embed myself in the life of the fellowship in my new community. I need to find a church home, in the same way. I need to find a job.

Above all, I have to work the steps and apply them in all my affairs. I'm working my fourth step right now -- which is, of course, a real monster. My third step is hardly secure -- if it were, I would not be fearful of the changes I'm making in my life, or of my responsibilities to my son. I would, instead, embrace them with optimism and joy.

It's all a bit overwhelming. Especially since I feel insecure in my sobriety, impatient to "finish" my recovery, and I continue to fall into the insane idea that I have to handle and solve everything on my own with only my own resources. Sheesh... sometimes I feel like I've made no progress at all.

"Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines... We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."

Willing to grow. Progress. Do not be discouraged.

I think maybe I'll go spend a few minutes reading, meditating and praying... :)