Wednesday, December 22, 2004

I Want Serenity, and I Want It Now, Damn It!

I've been "coasting" in my recovery lately. It's been almost a week since my last meeting. In some ways I'm on a dry drunk -- kind of isolated, kind of letting the everyday things in life slide by. On the other hand, in some ways I've been like a "normal" person -- fixed the washing machine (a real miracle!), got a job which I will start right after Christmas. Sometimes I work the program, sometimes the program works me!

I've had my hands full with my son, for one thing. For the most part, I've been patient with him and he's had a good time, but I always feel I woulda coulda shoulda done more with him and for him. He and I are leaving tomorrow for Christmas in Illinois with his Grandma and Grandpa. I've gotten as far as Googling AA meeting locations and times near Mom's house and Mapquesting directions. Next on the agenda is to pack. :) First things first...

My Mom's husband is in the program, coming up on his first year token in a couple months. I'm looking forward to going to a meeting or two with him.

I always feel uncomfortable with these "coasting" periods. I'm very aware that they can easily become complacency, the slippery slope to relapse. Mostly I get impatient. I want to make progress and move forward, and I get resentful when people, places, things and events pull me away from working it -- but I especially resent when it's my own brain, bad attitude, and "committee" thinking that holds me back. It's hard not to be hard on myself -- hard to accept that I'm on God's time, not Phil's schedule. I want serenity, and I want it now, damn it!

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