Clarity and/or Insanity

I don't know if what I'm thinking is a moment of clarity or alcoholic insanity. The idea that's lodged in my head is to file papers for legal separation, without telling my wife beforehand, without even telling her I'm not moving to LA.

The first thing the court would do is send us to a court mediator to work out a "parenting plan." What I want to do is not argue my point of view, not push for what I want, make neither accusations nor excuses -- just present information honestly to the mediator, so the mediator can make a recommendation to the court for what's best for my son. The court orders what I and my wife are to do, and that's that.

I wouldn't have to argue with or try to negotiate with my wife any more. No more trying to navigate through the thicket of anticipating how she will react to what I say or do, and what she will do next. I wouldn't have to choose between exerting my self-will and submitting to her will. All I would have to do is follow the court's instructions.

There's something comfortingly Third-Step-ish about it.

I don't even want to tell my wife I'm not moving to LA. I have no idea what she may do if I tell her. I think she will be furious. She may come unglued. The potential consequence I fear most is that she may suddenly, without warning, pick up and move my son even farther away. If she does that before I file, I have no legal recourse at all.

On the "clarity" hand, she has a track record of suddenly and arbitrarily moving away with my son, and creating obstacles for me to have a steady, regular schedule with my son. From that perspective it seems reasonable to anticipate that she may respond to the news in the same way. If so, then I should think "strategically" about pre-empting this response by not discussing with her beforehand that I'm not moving. Just file the papers, without giving her advance warning. Fait accompli.

The downside, of course, is that it would be Pearl Harbor and we will be at war. Whatever slim hope I've had of reconciliation and restoration of my family will be further, greatly, diminished, if not extinguished. I'm thinking separation rather than divorce, simply to leave the door ajar in case of a miracle. I should anticipate my wife would up the ante to divorce. So be it.

On the "insanity" hand, this kind of suspiciousness and distrust, and trying to pre-emptively take control of a situation, are classic alcoholic thinking and behavior. So maybe what I should do is be forthright in telling her I'm not moving, and why I'm not, hoping that her better nature will prevail, she will accept my decision, and she will be willing to make a good faith effort to reach agreement directly with me. And, if my fears turn out to come true and, say, she takes my son with her across the country, I need to accept that as part of life on its own terms.

I've made up my mind not to move to LA. But I sure don't know what to do next.