Taking Steps

I'm doing a step five with my sponsor tomorrow. I don't really feel ready for it -- my step four is pretty half-assed. I'm trying to keep up with the step workshop I'm in. There's 15 or 20 guys in the workshop, and only 3 or 4 of us are "rookies," doing the steps for the first time. So I always feel behind: less than, different from, not as good as, etc! My sponsor wholeheartedly supports the workshop, and isn't particularly worried about me doing all the steps "right." I can always start again from the beginning as soon as I'm done. I'm starting to get suspicious that you never "finish" doing the steps...

I found an apartment today. I'm dropping off the deposit and application tomorrow, so unless someone grabbed it late this afternoon it should be a done deal. It's a big emotional step -- letting go of the house, and moving on.

I still haven't talked to my wife to let her know I'm staying where I am and not moving to LA. Still chicken. My sponsor's been out of town for a few days, so I want to talk to him about all the stuff that's been banging around my head, and how to handle the conversation with my wife and the ways it may go, without creating too much new wreckage.

Sunday was a tough day for me. I was getting a lot of relapse signals. I did some reading in Living Sober and Staying Sober, and found a lot of insight in both. I was particularly struck by the discussions of relationships, family recovery and codependency, which led me to Love is a Choice, which focuses specifically on codependency.

I recognized before the importance of my relationship with my wife, and I've had a vague idea that I have codependency issues of my own. What's clearer to me now is how strong my own codependency is specifically in my relationship with my wife, and the potential threat this particular codependency is to maintaining my sobriety. It was the likeliest culprit in my relapse a couple months ago.

At some point, if I am to maintain longterm sobriety, I will have to delve into my overall codependency issues. Right now, to establish a stable early recovery, I need to at least bandage the codependent attitude and behavior I have with my wife. In terms my favorite oldtimers would comprehend, I have to avoid trying to work her program (especially since she doesn't have one), clean up my side of the street, then let go and let God. I can't control outcomes, and I can't control her. If I try to, I'm risking relapse, and I don't ever want to go there again.