Thursday, December 29, 2005

Amateur Night

(I know, I know, I promised I was leaving for awhile, but I have to drive a second load to LA tomorrow, and my phone still works. Deal with it.)

My big plan for New Year's is to watch Mickey Mouse cartoons with my son.

The first few years I was drinking I did it up big for New Year's. And other days like St. Patrick's Day. Most other days, too, come to think of it...

Once I became an isolated, at-home drunk, New Year's was no big deal. In sobriety, I haven't got much use for an occasion used by normies as an excuse to get drunk. Been there, done that.

Even when I was drinking, I avoided driving on New Year's Eve. Too many people driving drunk who have no expertise at it. Amateur night. A normie behind the wheel with a .79% scares the bejabbers out of me.

These people think that they can be too drunk to focus their eyes, then get in a car and drive?? They can't!! Because they don't know that in order to do that, you have to close one eye! You can't just get in the car drunk on New Year's Eve and know how to do it. It takes practice. It's best to do it a few dozen times on sunny afternoons, to get the hang of it. Only then try it at night. Even then, New Year's is not the night to try it the first time -- it should only be attempted after many hundreds of ordinary nights driving blind drunk. Preferably you should have several experiences coming out of blackouts while driving

Amateurs.

9 Comments:

At 12/30/2005 02:13:00 AM, Blogger dAAve said...

Phil, my dear, I couldnt' agree with you more. We professionals have SO much we could teach the youngsters.

IDEA: after you leave the halfway house, let's begin a small business teaching earth people how to drive drunk. OR, before you get out. A trip to see your halfway house could be part of the course.

 
At 12/30/2005 07:57:00 AM, Blogger Shannon said...

Nice DAAve... ahhahahahah Phil I am glad you are not gone yet! and watching Micky Mouse with you son is a great way to spend the new years! :)

 
At 12/31/2005 05:46:00 AM, Anonymous Logan Wick said...

I totally agree. I lost a few friends because of drunk drivers.

Hey, a normie with a BAL of 0.79% scares me too...he should be DEAD! LOL ;)

dAAve, you are officially a smart-alleck!

 
At 12/31/2005 04:13:00 PM, Blogger Boston B. said...

Happy New Year's Eve!

 
At 1/01/2006 05:02:00 AM, Blogger NMAMFQLMSH said...

Happy 2006 Phil. My it bring you everything you deserve. I still miss our partys.
I see you,
JJ

 
At 1/01/2006 08:28:00 AM, Blogger One Drunk to Another said...

Phil, you are the best! I've missed you.

Suz

 
At 1/02/2006 05:40:00 AM, Blogger Grace said...

All the best for the New Year Phil, what better time for a new start? Hope the move went well, catch up when you can? :-)

 
At 1/03/2006 01:19:00 AM, Blogger Trudging said...

I agree amateurs! In my drinking days I would often be passed out at home by 11:00pm on New Years Eve

I hope that you and the boy enjoyed Mickey

 
At 1/04/2006 01:48:00 AM, Blogger Stan Rogers said...

I have no idea what you're blathering on about. Just buy a magic car like the one I had -- I'd get in it every day to go out, and when I awoke, it was clear to me that the magic car had followed me home and parked itself in the driveway. It wasn't very good at parking itself, but the mere fact that it could tell what cab I'd gotten into and follow me home (or to a friend's place or wherever) was more than amazing enough. Perfect parking would have been too much to ask.

Oh -- it's fantastic to see you back, Phil.

 

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