Wednesday, December 29, 2004

I'm Phil, Alcoholic

What will really suck is raising my hand as a newcomer again at my AA meetings.

My sponsor will be really disappointed -- and I already know exactly what he will say. He knows... he went back out after 8 years sober and landed in jail for almost a year. I'll have the same story everyone else has: "Well, I stopped going to meetings as often as I had before, and then... and then... and then..." And he'll start me back at step one. Shit.

I HATE being alcoholic. I wish, so much, I were like normal people. I have to go to these fucking meetings, I have to tear down my entire personality, I have to turn my whole life over to God, I have to make a conscious decision every minute of every day to do God's will instead of Phil's will. Merely to survive. I HATE this.

Why can't my spiritual life be a choice? Why can't my belief in God be something about ethics, and a comforting notion of eternal life in heaven when I die? Why does it have to be a matter of life and death, right here and right now? Why me? What did I do to deserve this curse from God, this hell of addiction?

Why does this have to be so hard? Why isn't there a fucking pill I can take to cure it?

Now I have a 30-day and a 90-day token that mean nothing. I guess what I'll have to do is hang onto them until I get new ones, and pass along my old ones to a newcomer who earns his first 30 and 90 day honors.

I HATE this. Every fucking minute of it.


At 3/10/2005 10:58:00 PM, Blogger Jim said...

Aha! You are right on with this post. You actually can recover, forever and be done with it. Thousands (actually millions) have. I used AVRT after many such disasterous occurances you describe here.

Check out and take the free course on AVRT if you still want it to be over for good. Your Beast (disease) will object but YOU may see the simplicity of the logic.

I'll better you one. If you find anything helpful on the RR site, I will donate my "AVRT Live" tape set to you and the book as well. It cost me $1,000 bucks but I have no need for them anymore after six years (I think?) abstinent. I KNOW I will never drink again.

I hated being an alcoholic too, so I went and got cured with these tools and if this is a "dry-drunk" I'm on then so be it, hell I'm happy as a clam for the most part!

Either way, AA or AVRT....don't expect to be happy right away or comfortable for a while. Your body has been through hell and the problems you have accrued while intoxicated won't go away by themselves, but at least you won't be adding more problems and will be able to think clearly to solve the ones you have!
Peace out and let me know if I can answer any questions for you.

At 3/11/2005 08:05:00 AM, Blogger Phil said...

Jim, thanks for your comments. Congrats on 6 years sobriety!

My take on the various available methods of quitting drinking: "WHATEVER IT TAKES!" What works for one would be suicide for another. For me, a "rational recovery" approach would be suicide -- I touched on my view of rational recovery in another post. Anyone else reading this, who wants to quit drinking, or thinks you may have a drinking problem, take a look at the resources Jim points to, take a look at the resources and blogs linked on my blog, and decide for yourself which way is best for YOU. Whatever you do -- DON'T DO NOTHING, and NEVER GIVE UP!

Just to clarify a couple things. My comments about the Orange Papers are not intended to imply that everyone who stops drinking without AA is a "dry drunk." I apologize if my comments came across that way. My intended comment was much narrower: that the obsessive anger, resentment and twisted logic of the Orange Papers' author seem, to me, the product of a "dry drunk."

Regarding your comments to this post: yoiks! It frightens me that my post would come across as "right on." My questions were not calm, well-reasoned, critical questions. The questions were rhetorical, an angry shake of the fist at fate, God, myself. The post was written in anger, resentment, shame and frustration, the day after I started a relapse following over 100 days of sobriety. Not hardly a good foundation to depend on my own clear thinking and ability to make reasonable choices...


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