Monday, December 27, 2004

Back to Reality

Back home in California... great Christmas with my family in Chicago... my son had a WONDERFUL time... start a new job tomorrow...

My son and I shared a bed at my Mom's. I never did that before. It really was wonderful, I felt so close to him, cuddling to keep each other warm, just watching him sleep... except for the night he was all wound up and kept wanting to get out of bed! :)

It's disorienting to be back. Especially without my wife. I spoke with her on the phone at least once a day, so she could talk to our son. At least a dozen times we discussed that I will drop him off at her place tomorrow morning on my way to work. This morning she told me she was planning to be out of town until sometime tomorrow afternoon -- she "forgot" about our arrangements. And got pissed off at me over it.

Aside from wondering why she wouldn't be more eager to see her son after a week -- this kind of chaos is part of what I want to eliminate from my life. Recovery, to me, includes stability, dependability, counting on other people and having other people able to count on me. I want my son to grow up in an environment with all this good stuff.

I miss having a complete family, a single household with all three of us. But I sure don't miss the reality of trying to maintain a household with a wife who is bipolar, unpredictable, irresponsible, undisciplined, undependable, chaotic, whose word means nothing. If I get back together with her I'll just be setting myself up for disappointment, disillusionment, and eventually bitterness and cynicism. All the stuff there was before she left. All the stuff that undermines serenity.

It's going to be hard enough just trying to maintain a regular, civilized schedule for my son. That seems to be the best that I can hope for from my wife -- and even that will be a stretch for her.

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